Satire: STAAR testing brings valuable results

Trevor Nichols, staff writer

Freshmen, sophomores, and juniors gathered for the four hour STAAR test on March 26 and 27. Experts agree that the STAAR is an extremely valuable diagnostic tool, and much more useful than the old TAKS test.

“The STAAR is just so much more sophisticated than the TAKS,” educational analyst Stu Pidtest said. “It’s a big leap, but we’ve officially moved up from a four-letter acronym test to a five-letter acronym test.”

State-level educational experts commend the work that students put into the test, noting that they really seemed to give it their all.

“One student took the time to bubble the answer ‘c’ for every single question on the test,” researcher Hope Les said. “With that kind of dedication, you know that kid is going to go far.”

One expert notes the data that they can infer about the student population from the STAAR field tests gives an accurate depiction of the student demographic at schools across the state.

“The data that we collected from the field tests has given us some really surprising results,” Les said. “For instance, we now know that a quarter of the students answered absolutely none of the questions, and appears to have been unconscious at the time of the test. Apparently, narcolepsy is a far greater problem in our schools than we could have possibly imagined. This is exactly the sort of information that we needed to see at a state level, so that we know where to direct our funding.”

Other valuable data collected from the STAAR exams includes psychological analysis of students based on the letters students chose when bubbling the answer form randomly. Researchers also claim to have achieved a far greater understanding of the subjects of doodles within student demographics.

“Explosions seemed to be the doodles of choice for the freshmen.” Pidtest said. “But the   juniors’ doodles tended to have smiley faces as their subject more often. We have truly stumbled upon a gold mine of valuable information.”

What some consider the greatest success of the test is that while students were allowed to leave soon after the exam started with no consequences, teachers were forced to stay and proctor the STAAR test well into the afternoon, wasting valuable teaching time.

“Now I know the state isn’t willing to waste my time for nothing,” freshman Tess Terr said. “It’s apparently only willing to waste teachers’ time for nothing. I can’t tell you how comforting that is.”