Satire: School declares dress code epidemic


Sophomores Alejandro Cstikovits, Cameron Crocket, and Ben Butler contemplate their lives after being dress coded.

Grade level principals across the board declared a state of learning emergency yesterday in response to a rising “Dress Code Epidemic” sweeping the school.

Witnesses described the hallways as scenes of “pure horror and chaos” as lines of dress coded students stretched around the Rotunda. More than 80 percent of the students were male, according to school records.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” teacher Stic Ler said. “We’ve done everything in our control to stop the boys from breaking dress code, but nothing has worked. We’re really worried about the detrimental impacts this will have on girls’ classroom experiences. How can we expect them to concentrate with such visual distractions?”

The most common citations for dress code violations this year have been Under Armour shirts and shorts, tank tops that reveal biceps, bow ties and short shorts, often called “chubbies.”

“The Under Armour shirts and pants are much too tight,” Ler said. “Some would even call them a second skin. The chubbies reveal way too much leg, and tank tops do not meet the mid upper arm requirement. If biceps are showing, girls must not be focused on the lesson. I know how it is. I used to be a teenage girl, too.”

A number of junior and senior male students, who claim the dress code unfairly targets boys, are organizing a protest of the contested policies.

“The dress code policy as it stands is sexist,” junior and protest organizer Fhrat Boi said. “When dozens of boys are sent out of class each day to change their clothes and miss lessons because of it, the message is clear: girls’ education is more important than ours.”

Male students believe that the dress code is unjust, going so far as to say that it condones ‘promiscuous-man shaming’.

“When I get dress coded people look at me different,” Boi said. “It’s like I did something wrong. I didn’t wake up this morning thinking about how tight my athletic shirt was. I just wanted to wear it.”