Satire: Up-N-Over Opens Scenic Drive-Thru Tour

Donovan Nichols, News Editor

Popular California burger chain Up-N-Over opened their new “Tour of Katy” experience on Monday, integrated into the drive-thru at their Katy Bort Fend Road location. The circuit is part of an attempt by Up-N-Over to deal with the long lines of customers the chain has witnessed since their grand opening last month.

“We knew right from the start that lines would be a problem, but we never expected to this extent,” Katy Up-N-Over manager Ida Boss said. “We are confident that the new tour will help fix these problems by stretching the drive-thru line halfway around town while also being a more enjoyable experience for our customers.”

The 7.3 mile long route takes customers on a “leisurely tour of Katy,” encompassing local landmarks and natural environments.

“Katy is such a lively town,” Boss said. “We are excited to capitalize on this and show our customers all the great locales and wildlife nearby. From the waterpark to the traffic jams on the Grand Parkway to that one goose statue, we think the circuit will really open up people’s eyes to just how exciting Katy is.”

Residents have been quick to voice and show their support of the new tour route. Up-N-Over sales have skyrocketed, and both the drive-thru line and line to get into the drive-thru line have increased by nearly 60 percent.

“The new tour is truly an experience,” junior Stu Dent said. “I was camped out in my car for two days to get in. I really got to leave my stresses behind and just connect with nature, like seeing the stars at night or hearing the sound of the mosquito fogger trucks in their natural habitat. By the time I reached the window and picked up my food a day later, I may have lost my exemptions, but I had found my inner self.”

The tour was decided upon at an emergency Up-N-Over shareholders meeting a week after the Katy location opened, at which point lines had allegedly reached all the way back to the Whataburger on Westheimer Parkway and three potential customers had been hospitalized due to blood clots formed while waiting in line. An anonymous source close to the industry informed us several other alternatives to the drive-thru problem had been put forth but ultimately passed over.

“Other ideas suggested at the shareholders meeting were filming a 27-hour long documentary about the founding of Up-N-Over and creating a giant drive-in movie theater around the drive-thru line, or adding countless banana peels and empty turtle shells and encouraging customers to play real-life MarioKart,” our insider said. “The landmarks tour, however, was unanimously voted on as the best decision. Corporate is still looking for ways to spruce up the tour, however; they plan on testing holiday themed additions, like a motor vehicle Easter egg hunt, a Christmas lights display, and a Home Alone-inspired obstacle course.

Additionally, Up-N-Over plans to further develop the “Tour of Katy” beyond seasonal festivities, with food trucks for customers to purchase refreshments from, porta-potties, and scenic overlooks of I-10 for customers to rest at while on their journey to the ordering speaker. The final capstone of the program will be the “Up-N-Over State Park,” a 4.8 square mile plot of land set to be officially ratified by the Texas State Parks Board in spring 2022.  

“If you can believe it, this whole tour program was never originally intended,” Boss said. “Sharp-eyed customers may have noticed that the original drive-thru entrance was right next to the intersection of Bort Fend Road and the Frontage Road, which would quickly back up too close to the light and required us to add in some sort of loop. When choosing locations, corporate prioritized visibility over a functional drive-thru, but they assured us customers would still come to us in droves.”